Ricdadulous

I’m totally not a mommy blogger… for obvious reasons.(Thanks for reminding me, MOM. I KNOW, OKAY?) *But boy, do I read mommy blogs... from Kimchi Mamas, Amalah, CityMama, Advice Smackdown, Notes from the Trenches, and Antique Mommy to Mama Nabi, Flexible Dreams, If Ummah is Happy, Rolling Through Looneyville, and Ella Bella, I've got cloth diapering, babywearing, and homemade baby food making down pat. (The second group are not so much mommy blogs... but blogs written by moms... who occasionally talk about their kids... get it?) So anyway, I’m sitting here in the Coffee Shop on base, listening to these early to mid-thirties dads talk about…well… being dads. I think this is the first time I’ve ever experienced such a phenomenon.


I wasn’t able to listen to the whole detailed story, so here’s a little character observation. (Side bar: There are five guys… And Neither Man Nor Beast is apparently a parenting book for men that has a conservative, christian spin on it. (I THINK that’s the book they said… as soon as they said it, I googled it, and this came up) I really know nothing about it, other than from what these dads were talking about, and… as you’ll see, that isn’t necessarily trustworthy”)


Meet the “Dad Dudes”

Under Armor Guy: I think he maaaay buy female Under Armor, so it’s JUSTTTTT that much tighter, but he’s got it decked out, down to the shocks…and visor. (In short: Visor? At Night? TOOL.) He’s the one who started this idiotic conversation with “Man, it’s really hard doin’ the Dad Thing sometimes. I mean, my son doesn’t even LIKE football. My wife got him in to soccer, and now it’s all down hill.” Awesome lines from the convo:
--“NFMG(noted below), I know this isn’t your thing… cause you’re… what’s the word? [Liberal?] no, not liberal… um… [insert 4 seconds of silence] MODERN! Yeah, you’re kinda modern, and this book is a little conservative and Christiany. But this is the next big book. As fathers, we gotta read this sh*t, it’s important for our sons. (yes, he used the word “Christiany”, and no, he didn’t include daughters)
--“I mean, we are HUNTERS. They are GATHERERS. It really just comes down to naturalistics.” –ACTUAL SENTENCE, not an actual word.
--“But this guy is saying that we have been TAUGHT to be hunters, and that we can be gatherers, too. It’s society’s fault…” –AKA, Second Place for Contradictory Sentence of the Month
--“I’ve been TAUGHT to be macho. It’s just one of my natural characteristics” WINNER! And, his lovely prize is…..a vasectomy!


The Instigator: Every word out of this man’s mouth were probably projected from the way his wife makes him feel inadequate. He instigates UAG, mentioning over (and over and over and over) about how UAG’s son will/does/will secretly want to wear pink/play with barbies/wear a Tutu. Awesome lines:
--“Yeah… he probably plays soccer so he can run on his tippy toes!” ( I don’t even know what that MEANS.)
--“Dude, I bet your wife totally lets him play with your daughter’s old barbies!!”


Not For Me Guy: Smart, smart guy. Whenever any of the other idiots try and reel him into the conversation, his answer is, “Na, not for me.” i.e.: UA guy told him that he should “totally read the book because NFMG guy has 3 BOYS!”….his answer: “Nah. Not for me.” Not judgemental, not instigating, just eliminating. I like it!

The Wait-It-Out Twins: These two guys are sitting together in the corner, with the sports pages out talking about the three day old scores on the game, any game. Any thing to distract them from the fact that they are talking about fathering, cause WTF, we are deployed and we are BOYS. Key sentence from these two, when asked a question? “Yeah, yeah, but can you FREAKING BELIEVE Brett Favre is back?! Now, THAT’S a guy who is a man!” They are waiting to see if they'll eventually get to play some middle aged volleyball, baseball, or if they are lucky--ultimate frisbee! Or maybe even basketball! Instead…it appears they instituted a new ball game. Scratching.

Now that "dads" are no longer authority figures, but are becoming my peers... I'm concerned. And a little delighted at this new species I get to mock observe.




*Wow. Do we need ANY more evidence as to why I have The Crazy? I could have named more, but I didn't want to seem like a mommy/wife wannabe WEIRDO or something. (Did it work?) (No?) (Damn.)